When the first date nerves kick in – a sketch

Characters:

🤦🏻‍♀️ Lu

🧠 Brain

🐈‍⬛ Genitalia

😳 Irritable Bowel

🧴 surprise guest

🤦🏻‍♀️ Right, need the loo need a shower, must brush teeth at least 6 times, stomach will go so I’ll have to go the loo again which means a second shower to clean my hoop but can’t get my hair wet again or I’ll look like Sideshow Bob or one of the Jackson Five… then I’ll have a panic attack as I walk one metre to the car but I’ll be ok cos it’s all going to be worth it…

🧠 But what if he’s a murderer?

🤦🏻‍♀️ That’s ridiculous!

🧠 But what if he tries to finger you in public?

🤦🏻‍♀️ Well I err..

🧠 What if he stands you up?

🤦🏻‍♀️ Yeah there is that..? Maybe he’s just as nervous

🧠 But what if he wants you to think that so you’re fooled for the millionth time?

🤦🏻‍♀️ No he can’t be like that… surely I’d have sussed after all the conversations. A lot of it was verbal… no one can keep up an act that long!

🧠 Ted Bundy did.

🤦🏻‍♀️ He’s not a fucking serial killer, ok!

🧠 Josef Fritzl got away with decades of hiding an incestuous family in his basement…

🤦🏻‍♀️ Fuck off just fuck off! Leave me alone to get ready.

🧠 You like him don’t you?

🤦🏻‍♀️ …

🧠 You can’t lie to me, I’m your brain.

🤦🏻‍♀️ Yeah? Well fuck off back to sleep you’re doing my head in.

🧠 Just looking out for you that’s all

🤦🏻‍♀️ Be gone, you annoying lump of grey matter!

🐈‍⬛ Hey… HEY

🤦🏻‍♀️ WHAT NOW?

🐈‍⬛ It’s me, your vagina

🤦🏻‍♀️ Oh for the love of God don’t you start!

🐈‍⬛ Someone say fingering in public?

🤦🏻‍♀️ Behave!

🐈‍⬛ Shave me…

🤦🏻‍♀️ WHAT?

🐈‍⬛ Shave me, just in case…

🤦🏻‍♀️ In case of WHAT?

🐈‍⬛ It’s been awhile, gonna seal over if I’m not used soon…

🤦🏻‍♀️ No no no don’t do that! I need you in 2 weeks… ok I’ll shave you if you promise to sleep til 2 weeks today…

🐈‍⬛ I’ll do my best…

🤦🏻‍♀️ Cheers Miss Puss, that would be helpful.

😳 Hey yo whassup!

🤦🏻‍♀️ Oh what now?

😳 It’s me your digestive system, take me to your porcelain throne.

🤦🏻‍♀️ Pretentious arse! It’s council, we don’t have porcelain here…

🧠 ⚙️

🤦🏻‍♀️ Shut up brain, he’s not interested in the interior design…

🐈‍⬛ 😈 oh isn’t he?

🤦🏻‍♀️ I said I’ll shave you, off you fuck madam

😳 Oh Lu?

🤦🏻‍♀️ Yes stomach?

😳 Today is the day I feel like expanding so everything you wear makes you look like princess Fiona from Shrek

🤦🏻‍♀️ Jeez thanks buddy, like I don’t have enough to deal with…

😳 Yeah I’m in a Vanessa Feltz type of obese mood today…

🤦🏻‍♀️ You can fuck right off… make it after her gastric bypass though if you insist, please? Come on throw me a line here… this one’s important. This one matters… he’s not happy, there’s a reason our paths crossed don’t do this to me…

😳 It’s either that or I’ll just be windy…

🤦🏻‍♀️ You’re a dickhead! Fine make me look like an overcooked muffin anything to shut you up too you fat fuck.

🧴 Oh hey girlfriend

🤦🏻‍♀️ Who the fuck is that?

🧴 It’s me your new zit.

🤦🏻‍♀️ Whaaa?

🧴 Well you know, I thought I’d keep you company on your road trip.

🤦🏻‍♀️ I don’t need a bloody spot to keep me company…

*checks mirror.

🤦🏻‍♀️ Oh my God, you’re a SATELLITE DISH

🧴 Well if you want to be noticed…

🤦🏻‍♀️ Noticed? The size of you, I’ll be picking up Sky Sports in HD!!!

🧴 I’m just trying to help…

🤦🏻‍♀️ Yeah? Real helpful… now I have to put more make up on and hope I don’t look like a drag queen!