😳 Irritable Bowel
🧴 surprise guest
🤦🏻♀️ Right, need the loo need a shower, must brush teeth at least 6 times, stomach will go so I’ll have to go the loo again which means a second shower to clean my hoop but can’t get my hair wet again or I’ll look like Sideshow Bob or one of the Jackson Five… then I’ll have a panic attack as I walk one metre to the car but I’ll be ok cos it’s all going to be worth it…
🧠 But what if he’s a murderer?
🤦🏻♀️ That’s ridiculous!
🧠 But what if he tries to finger you in public?
🤦🏻♀️ Well I err..
🧠 What if he stands you up?
🤦🏻♀️ Yeah there is that..? Maybe he’s just as nervous
🧠 But what if he wants you to think that so you’re fooled for the millionth time?
🤦🏻♀️ No he can’t be like that… surely I’d have sussed after all the conversations. A lot of it was verbal… no one can keep up an act that long!
🧠 Ted Bundy did.
🤦🏻♀️ He’s not a fucking serial killer, ok!
🧠 Josef Fritzl got away with decades of hiding an incestuous family in his basement…
🤦🏻♀️ Fuck off just fuck off! Leave me alone to get ready.
🧠 You like him don’t you?
🧠 You can’t lie to me, I’m your brain.
🤦🏻♀️ Yeah? Well fuck off back to sleep you’re doing my head in.
🧠 Just looking out for you that’s all
🤦🏻♀️ Be gone, you annoying lump of grey matter!
🐈⬛ Hey… HEY
🤦🏻♀️ WHAT NOW?
🐈⬛ It’s me, your vagina
🤦🏻♀️ Oh for the love of God don’t you start!
🐈⬛ Someone say fingering in public?
🐈⬛ Shave me…
🐈⬛ Shave me, just in case…
🤦🏻♀️ In case of WHAT?
🐈⬛ It’s been awhile, gonna seal over if I’m not used soon…
🤦🏻♀️ No no no don’t do that! I need you in 2 weeks… ok I’ll shave you if you promise to sleep til 2 weeks today…
🐈⬛ I’ll do my best…
🤦🏻♀️ Cheers Miss Puss, that would be helpful.
😳 Hey yo whassup!
🤦🏻♀️ Oh what now?
😳 It’s me your digestive system, take me to your porcelain throne.
🤦🏻♀️ Pretentious arse! It’s council, we don’t have porcelain here…
🤦🏻♀️ Shut up brain, he’s not interested in the interior design…
🐈⬛ 😈 oh isn’t he?
🤦🏻♀️ I said I’ll shave you, off you fuck madam
😳 Oh Lu?
🤦🏻♀️ Yes stomach?
😳 Today is the day I feel like expanding so everything you wear makes you look like princess Fiona from Shrek
🤦🏻♀️ Jeez thanks buddy, like I don’t have enough to deal with…
😳 Yeah I’m in a Vanessa Feltz type of obese mood today…
🤦🏻♀️ You can fuck right off… make it after her gastric bypass though if you insist, please? Come on throw me a line here… this one’s important. This one matters… he’s not happy, there’s a reason our paths crossed don’t do this to me…
😳 It’s either that or I’ll just be windy…
🤦🏻♀️ You’re a dickhead! Fine make me look like an overcooked muffin anything to shut you up too you fat fuck.
🧴 Oh hey girlfriend
🤦🏻♀️ Who the fuck is that?
🧴 It’s me your new zit.
🧴 Well you know, I thought I’d keep you company on your road trip.
🤦🏻♀️ I don’t need a bloody spot to keep me company…
🤦🏻♀️ Oh my God, you’re a SATELLITE DISH
🧴 Well if you want to be noticed…
🤦🏻♀️ Noticed? The size of you, I’ll be picking up Sky Sports in HD!!!
🧴 I’m just trying to help…
🤦🏻♀️ Yeah? Real helpful… now I have to put more make up on and hope I don’t look like a drag queen!